DOAT Book II, Chapter 8: Doubts. Ambush! A new friend.

Greetings Dragonscouts! When last we met, our noble band of heroes were about to take a plunge into Certain Death to save a bunch of elves who don’t care about them, and Laurana was taking Tanis into Grappling School. Sexy danger! What is in store for our brave companions in this chapter? Y’know besides doubts, ambush, and a new friend.

Our heroes wake up to a totally-not-metaphorical storm stretching its stormy fingers towards Qualinesti. First thing Caramon says to Gilthanas, when he comes in with supplies, is that Tika needs armor, a shield, and a sword. FUCK YES, CARAMON. I can almost forgive your slut shaming for this! Gear up, Tika, you’re gon’ be a fighter! Caramon offers to help her put on her armor, but Goldmoon intervenes, because someone needs to tamp down that mighty boner somehow.

The elves also give them some dried fruit to eat along the way, which disappoints Caramon still further.

Ron-Swanson-Re-Think-That-Move-Son-Parks-and-Recreation

They head out of Qualinesti at dawn, with Tanis noting that Laurana didn’t even show up to say good bye. Maybe because you are kind of a jerk, Tanis?

shrug-house

Deprived of the chance to mansplain how to put on armor, Caramon decides to mansplain swordsmanship to Tika as they go. However, the authors are quick to note that Caramon is distracted by the view of Tika’s legs and undies, which raises the question – why are men always the swordsmen, when they can be distracted so easily? Men are just over-emotional, and should stay in the kitchen. Leave the fighting to the women, kay?

Caramon’s so obsessed with peeping at Tika that he forgets he’s supposed to be helping his brother. It gets so bad that Gilthanas, who cares nothing for humans, asks where Raistlin is before anyone else does. Fortunately for everyone, Raistlin was just doing some non-creepy lurking in some bushes. NBD!

dont be suspicious

When they stop for lunch, Fizban helpfully informs Tanis that something is following their noble band. Gilthanas immediately dismisses this, for he has not yet gotten the memo that The Old Man is Not What He Seems. Sturm, however, decides to take things seriously, and takes the rear guard.

rear guard. GET IT?

rear guard. GET IT?

They come to a clearing full of corpses, as one does in high fantasy novels. There is one non-corpsified human, but our heroes are concerned, as he (OR SHE) might be on the enemy side, serving Lord Verminaard. Upon further investigation, they determine that the human is: 1. a dude; 2. alive; 3. able to speak; and 4. a friend of Gilthanas’s, named Eben. (I didn’t realize Gilthanas had human pals? but okay?)

Unfortunately, just as our heroes discover this important information, a dozen draconians (ugh) attack. Raistlin has to stop Fizban from charmingly(?) burning them all to death, instead of fighting, which is not a great use of his time. Tika, as it turns out, is not yet very good at swordfighting (this is what comes from having a man teach you how to fight, Tika). Caramon tells her to run to the trees with Goldmoon and Fizban “like a good girl.”

ohhh no

Tika rightly tells him to go eat a dick, and immediately kills the fuck out of two draconians (ugh) by bashing them with her shield. This rekindles Caramon’s boner, and the two of them engage in some post-mortal danger groping that quickly gets out of hand. Tika, who has never made out with anyone before, starts to panic, while Caramon, slave to said boner, starts to carry her into the woods. Fortunately for both of them, Raistlin puts an end to that nonsense with the power of his boner-killing glare.

he waved his de-sexing stick most un-sexily

he waved his de-sexing stick most un-sexily

The battle won, the group listens to Eben’s tale of being beset by hobgoblins, and abandoned by his companions as dead. Gilthanas is pretty suspicious of this story, but agrees to add him to the group for his swordsmanship. Just then, Fizban hilariously(?) casts an offensive cobweb spell, and I think we are supposed to be delighted or something.

basic bitches

The heroic band reaches Pax Tharkas by sunset, and Flint reveals that the massive towers of the fortress were built by dwarves and elves, back when they were friends. TBH I think it’s probably a good thing that the dwarves dumped the elves, considering what dicks they’ve been, but I guess they were pretty good at architecture.

These days, Pax Tharkas is populated by draconians (ugh) and hobgoblins, whom our brave heroes watch as they march to attack Qualinesti. The plan, apparently, is to sneak inside, free the prisoners, spark the revolt, and force Lord Verminaard to call the army back to deal with it, allowing the Qualinost elves safe passage.

Tanis and Gilthanis confer, revealing that they still don’t quite trust this Eben. Gilthanas goes on to insist that he himself is not a traitor, and is willing to sacrifice his life to kill Lord Verminaard. Oh, and by the way, the lives of Tanis and the rest of his crew are meaningless. Cool, thanks Gilthanas! This is really inspiring me to put all of my trust in your idiotic plans!

malcolm transpo

The chapter ends as Sturm, who has been absent for most of the chapter, catches up with Tanis and confirms that they are being followed. WHO COULD IT BE? (I bet you can guess; I sure have.)

Asshole count: Caramon is in the running for this one, given his condescension, peeping at, and grappling with poor Tika. But this is a little mitigated by the fact that he insisted on Tika being armed in the first place, proving that when he isn’t distracted by his boner, he can be a decent fellow, at least I hope. The whole grabbing Tika to take her into the trees is getting a little bit rapey for me, and all I can do is hope that once Tika got her breath back to say “no,” he would, y’know, listen to her and stop. Since Raistlin intervened, Caramon’s rapeyness is still theoretical, so I’ll refrain from judgment until we have more information.

Therefore, the prize goes to Gilthanas, who not only let Eben, who might be untrustworthy, into the group’s Secret Plan without much thought, but also revealed that he doesn’t care about his own freaking semi-brother and his friends as long as they’re a means to his ends. Elves, man. I’m sure this Eben fellow will in no way cause you to regret the immense trust you have placed in him for no good reason.

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DOAT Book II, Chapter 7: Farewell. The companions’ decision.

Greetings Dragonscouts! Welcome to the chapter where we FINALLY GET SOME FREAKING FOOD. These elves, man, I don’t care if their houses are made of quartz, they are stingy bastards. Anyway, I’m looking forward to seeing what happens with the rest of our band of noble heroes after the sexually aggressive awkwardness of the last chapter.

We start off with Goldmoon… not eating, because the elven feast reminds her of her mother’s funeral.

ron-swanson 1

Still, Riverwind has taken a break from being an emo fuckass and is actually being supportive, so that’s something.

Laurana is… not eating, she’s staring at Tanis.

ron swanson 2

Tanis is… eating but not tasting anything. Flint is… not eating because he doesn’t like elven food. (WHAT DO ELVES EAT?)

Raistlin is… not eating much, but then he never does.

Tika is… not eating because she feels frumpy in front of the elven women.

ohhh no

Caramon is… eating, thank god, but not satisfied. He at least gives us a description of what elves eat: fruits and vegetables cooked in delicate sauces, served with bread, cheese and wine. That actually sounds kind of good, but I get the feeling that Caramon is a meat-and-also-more-meat kind of guy.

bacon and eggs

So this is a very frustrating feast for pretty much everyone, and also they are being pretty rude guests with all this not eating the food that has been finally served to them. Well, at least the elves deserve it.

And hey, Flint? You don’t like elven food which means you don’t like… fruit, vegetables, bread, cheese or wine. WHAT DO YOU LIVE ON. HOW DO YOU LIVE FLINT. I AM PRETTY SURE WE HAVE SEEN YOU EATING AT LEAST THREE OF THOSE THINGS ALREADY.

bacon and eggs 2

bacon and eggs 3

Apparently only Tasslehoff and Fizban are enjoying the dinner party, and Tasslehoff spends most of the time stealing shit because he is a – you know what? Forget it. Everyone else is being such a dick that I’m not even mad. You do you, Tas.

So then Gilthanas is up and – oh my god, he’s going to indulge in some oh-noetry. He sings in elvish while Tanis translates for Sturm. It is, predictably, about sunsets and fireflies. I don’t have the strength to transcribe it. Just imagine choppy free verse that expresses the elves’ infinite sadness or whatever.

cher yuk

Finally this gruesome feast is over, and it’s time for the meeting of the High Council. Oh boy, that sounds fun. But my sarcasm is proved wrong, because as it turns out, the council is held while standing on a giant map! Both Tasslehoff and I are unreasonably excited about this.

Hope it's as good as this map!

Hope it’s as good as this map!

Still, the meeting takes a downward turn when the Speaker announces that elves cannot fight against fucking dragons, so they’re going to head toward Silvanesti, which is an even older elf residence, sort of like Lothlorian to Qualinost’s Rivendell (gee, I bet nobody’s ever made THAT connection before).

But the plan won’t work unless they can stop the army currently at Pax Tharkas, which is where Lord Verminaard hangs. The Speaker explains that the captured men of the surrounding area are slaves, with their wives and children held hostage to ensure good behavior. This seems like a really shortsighted plan, Lord Verminaard. You have over half the population of captives as a sheer drain on resources. Put the women and children to work! Kids love to work.

mugatu

See?

Anyway, the Speaker thinks that if  the women and children are freed by our mighty heroes, the men will revolt, destroy the army and give the elves the time to dash on out of there.

Guys.

Guys. GUYS.

  1. Women can’t revolt???
  2. ELVES CAN’T HELP REVOLT???

Man just fuck y’all elves. Riverwind agrees with my point #2 at least, claiming that the revolting humans won’t survive making an attack like that. The Speaker helpfully explains that all the humans were going to die in the mines anyway, so what’s the big deal? They can, like, live in the mountains and stuff. Humans love mountains, right? Everyone glares at him, so he says that Gilthanas can go along with them too, if they want. Cooooooollllllll.

kanye laugh

So our heroes confer about this incredibly stupid and destructive plan. Tanis is in favor of splitting up so that Goldmoon can go with the elves to protect the Disks, but everyone shuts that down in a hurry. Even Fizban uses his mental powers on Tanis to go along. Tanis is a little weirded out by this, and confers with Raistlin about how This Old Man Is Not What He Seems. Raistlin agrees that the guy has some kind of great power, and it’d be dangerous to stop him.

After the rest go to get some sleep, Caramon and Sturm corner Tanis because they don’t trust Tanis’s not-bruh Gilthanas. His story about living while his entire army was either killed or burninated doesn’t sit right with them, and they think he might hand them over to Lord Verminaard. I mean, he is a dick, but Tanis doesn’t think he’s a traitor – he’s just misguided. Then Tanis abruptly yells that if there’s someone he doesn’t trust in their group, it’s Raistlin and the old man.

well that was just uncalled for.

well that was just uncalled for.

Later that night, Tanis is awoken by someone mysterious standing over his bed. Naturally, he grabs that person, pulls them across him, and puts a knife to their throat. I’m sure you’ll be shocked when I reveal that the mysterious night stalker is Laurana wearing only a “flimsy nightdress.” Tanis immediately gets a mega boner.

divine4

Laurana warns Tanis that her father doesn’t actually expect his lead-the-slaves-into-revolt plan to work, and that he’s basically sending Tanis & Co. into a death trap. Tanis decides it’s now the moment to be all noble, and tell her that even if the plan has just a slim chance, it’ll be worth it, because sometimes you have to risk your life in something you believe in. I don’t quite get your logic on this particular plan, Tanis, but okay.

jlaw okay

The one person who’s moved by this impassioned speech, however, is Laurana, who goes back to her bedchamber with newfound resolve. Does she have something she’s willing to risk her life to get? Would it be Tanis’s yogurt-slinger? I have no doubt we’ll find out soon enough.

Asshole count: This one’s tough. Tanis is in the running for that unsolicited comment about Raistlin, and then Gilthanas is just a dick all round. But I think the award his chapter goes to the Speaker for sending our brave companions – not to mention the entire slave population of Pax Tharkas – into certain death just to let the elves escape. Because fuck humans, am I right?