DOAT Book I, Chapter 22: Bupu’s gift. An ominous sight.

Well good evening dragonscouts! Your Khaleesi has been away but has returned to serve you fresh and steaming liveblogging of Dragonlance for your bored-at-work pleasures. Let’s get back to our noble heroes, who when last we met, were fighting their way out of the draconians (ugh) lair, sacrificing gully dwarves along the way like they ARE NOT SENTIENT CREATURES JFC.

Okay. Our heroes are dragging their unconscious and/or injured brethren (Raistlin and Riverwind respectively) out of the lard pot elevator mid-motherfucking-earthquake. No sooner have they gotten Riverwind out of the pot than the entire mechanism breaks off from the ground and crashes into the pits below. The book does not mention, but I feel compelled to add, that the crowd of gully dwarves who were in the lower pot have now certainly had their brains dashed upon the rocks below. Do any of our heroes give one single fuck about this?


Riverwind is pretty much ready to curl into a ball and die. Sturm is weirdly into this, but Tanis is not having it, so he starts up a little hair-pulling as foreplay.

you have my attention.

you have my attention.

 This, at least, seems to pull Riverwind out of his suicidal mood, so together the heroes stumble toward the Temple of Mishakal. Zach Braff Xak Taroth, meanwhile, is drowned.

eh. it was for the best.

eh. it was for the best.

Tanis looks around and doesn’t see Riverwind. Everyone else attributes this to, y’know, your basic suicidal tendencies, but Tanis is again NOT HAVING IT. He runs into the interior of the temple where he thinks he hears Riverwind. But when he gets in there, instead of looking for his friend, he starts screaming at the goddess that he doesn’t believe in her. ………………why? If you don’t believe in them, why are you screaming for them to leave you alone, Tanis? I mean, I guess that’s the DRAMATIC IRONY here, but authors, you could at least have your hero use the basics of logic even when he’s pissed. Anyway, Tanis finishes his hissyfit, looks up at the statue and OH SHIT IT’S GOLDMOON.

brule shock

Yup I suppose our Token Lady has traded her staff for the statue’s necklace some…how… but she sure is alive!

So Goldmoon wakes up and declares that she is a “true cleric” and disciple of Mishakal. Apparently this means she can now heal people by touching them on the forehead which is pretty cool as far as god-granted powers go. Goldmoon even declares that she is not a warrior but a healer which… because girl, I guess.

lady sif please

Anyway, Goldmoon says that her task is to find the one person who has the strength and wisdom to unite the people, fight evil, and set the world in balance. Welp… good luck with that, Goldmoon.

Anyway, our noble band of warriors gets the fuck out of Xak Tsaroth before the armies of draconians (ugh) can find them. Their plan is to go to Solace to supply up, which, JESUS CHRIST WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? You left that place as fugitives, remember? With the hobgoblins or whatever they were knocking down doors to find you? WHY WOULD YOU GO BACK THERE?

Logic aside, they strike out. During their overnight camp, Raistlin wakes up and hears muffled cries. Why, it’s Bupu, who has repressed her sadness until it can no longer be contained.

like a boss

Bupu is sad because she wants to stay with Raistlin (don’t we all) but she’ll miss her bros back home. Raistlin tells her she should go back and is basically super sweet to her in that way you’re sweet to someone when you’re all like NO DON’T FOLLOW ME INTO PERIL.


i need u bb

Bupu is so grateful for Raistlin’s solicitude that she pulls out a gift. Is it a lizard? A rat? NO IT’S THE MOTHERFUCKING SPELLBOOK OF FISTANDANTILUS! Bupu snaked it from that motherfucking dragon after all!

mind blown

With that awesome and incredibly convenient gift, Bupu leaves, and Raistlin watches her go with a single tear and an inner wish for her best life. Never mind that her city just got fucking destroyed and her friends killed, RAISTLIN IS A GOOD GUY DAMN IT. Of course Flint comes in to dig at him about his “pet gully dwarf,” further hammering in the message that everyone but Raistlin is a gully dwarf racist asshole.

Farewell Bupu! ILU you bad bitch.

Raistlin goes back to stash his new book in his pack when he sees a glow on the horizon. Is it the dawn?




And that’s the end – not just of the chapter but of BOOK ONE. We’re on BOOK TWO guys, and it’s only been… like, jesus, I don’t even want to say. My goal is to start updating regularly again! We have more dragons to… lance, I guess.

ANYWAY, thanks for coming with me on this journey so far, dragonscouts! Onward into Book 2!ga


DOAT Book I, Chapter 20: The Highbulp’s Map. A Spellbook of Fistandantilus.

Hello dragonscouts! Your khaleesi has had to take an extended absence from adventuring due to further world-conquering activities. But I have not forgotten our delightful and racist adventures! Let’s get back to them, shall we?

When we last joined our fearless troupe of warriors, they were about to go sneaking into a magical dragon’s lair on the say-so of the king of the gullydwarves, who both craftily and correctly decided to betray them. What will happen to our noble heroes? How much more dwarf based racism can the authors cram into this chapter? These answers are to come!

Our companions are resting in the Waiting Room outside the Highbulp’s chambers, a room that is described as both “filthy” and “vulgar.” Glad to see that racism going strong, authors! Even better, Bupu is depicted as eating something rodent-like, tail and all. Which just means she is vigilant about getting herself the protein she needs to survive without being too picky about its source. Good for you, Bupu, you are the best.


Riverwind decides to sit apart from the others and stare “moodily at the floor” like a 15 year old in a sulk because he couldn’t get a ride to the Hot Topic. Goldmoon comes up to him and is like “we must talk” and we all know what THAT means – breakup time!

bye bitch

 EXCEPT NO, Goldmoon instead asks for Riverwind to forgive her! WHY, GOLDMOON? This guy has been a complete morose loserface since this entire adventure began! You’re getting it done! He’s holding you back! DUMP HIM GIRL!

sassy gay friend

 Nope, it doesn’t happen. Riverwind and Goldmoon beg each other’s forgiveness, and there’s a lot of hetero groping and stroking. The word “love” is used with great frequency. I grit my teeth with rage. They reminisce about when they fell in love which, surprise, started when Riverwind was a dick to Goldmoon in front of the entire tribe. TWOO WUV.

 Fortunately we’re spared any further exhibition, as a gully dwarf guard interrupts to provide the group with the Highbulp’s map to the dragon’s lair. Thank you, gully dwarf guard! Nobody can convince me that gully dwarves are not the best ever.

 Unfortunately the Highbulp’s map seems to be unreadable. The author’s don’t actually describe why the map is so useless, relying instead on the chapter illustration, shown here:

The Map

 Okay authors, okay. I understand that you are writing a book in English, and need the English-reading audience to understand your words and pictures. But. Just three chapters ago, you specified that the gully dwarves have their own “shapeless language.” If so, WHY ON EARTH WOULD THE HIGHBULP WRITE THE MAP IN (what is known in this book as) THE COMMON TONGUE? Wouldn’t he write it in Gully Dwarvish? Especially if it’s so super secret that the draconians (ugh) who understand Common, would be able to read it if they got a hold of it? UGH BOOK UGH.

 Anyway, the group is stumped at how on earth they’re going to get to the dragon’s lair, until Raistlin helpfully points out that there is ONE BAD BITCH who knows just where the dragon is, and HER NAME IS FUCKING BUPU. She’s apparently been running in there to nab “pretty rocks” on the regular. Even fucking Bilbo couldn’t do that shit more than once without getting caught.

mia bad girls

While everyone starts to plan the trip to the dragon’s lair, Raistlin and Caramon step aside and begin some kind of super secret sneaky plan. Caramon doesn’t like the plan, apparently, but Raistlin uses his powers of seduction to convince him to go along with it. Let’s go through them step by step:

 He speaks “gently”;

Thor plus Loki

 He lays his hand on Caramon’s arm and draws him close;


  1. His touch is “unusually hot,” and “his eyes burn[].”

kiss kiss

Caramon can’t resist the temptation! He agrees to the plan (whatever it may be). We find out that Raistlin’s goal is to get Caramon to bring him a spell book – which he’s known has been in Zach Braff for a while now. Since there’s now a chance it hasn’t been destroyed, Raistlin REALLY wants it. Surprise, the book is the Spellbook of Fistandantilus, which is a ridiculous name, even for a wizard.

Badass Wizard

Caramon isn’t so big on this plan, because he’s worried that Fistandantilus “wore the Black Robes,” which I guess means he was evil or something. Ah, color essentialism at its finest. Raistlin gets super pissed at Caramon for asking about this, snapping “How can any of you understand me!” Jesus, Raistlin, now who didn’t get a ride to the Hot Topic?

 Once Caramon goes back to the group, Tains is suspicious, thinking that while Caramon would protect them all with his life, he’d betray them too if Raistlin told him to. This is actually pretty smart of you, Tanis. So what are you going to do with that bit of information? Oh, what’s that? Nothing? Jesus Christ, Tanis.


Anyway, the plan seems to be that Bupu and Raistlin are going to go lure the dragon out of its cave with some kind of magic

magic bitches

 and the rest of them are going to storm the dragon’s treasure hoard for the disks and the book.

 We switch to Raistlin’s POV as he and Bupu start toward the dragon’s lair. Raistlin is worried, because the crowds of Gully Dwarves seem to have disappeared. He’s right to be worried, as they are soon followed by a pair of armor-clad figures.

 We cut back to the larger group that’s following Tanis. They’re making their way through a flooded corridor to a trap door. Flint immediately volunteers to lift it, claiming that if a gully dwarf can, so can he. He spectacularly… fails to lift the door at all. And another reason it is unjustified to be racist toward gully dwarves is revealed, because Bupu only goes to the caves when it’s dry, because she is AWARE OF THE FACT THAT WATER IS HEAVY.


Caramon gets the door open because he is a bad-ass new god made primarily of oiled muscly flesh.

pictured: bad-ass old god.

pictured: bad-ass old god.

They wait for a count of five hundred to give Raistlin time to deploy his diversion, then descend the ladder into the unknown. After some wet travel, they reach the dragon’s lair… but what’s this, dragonscouts? Waiting for them in the lair is… A MOTHERFUCKING DRAGON.

 And here our chapter ends. CLIFFHANGER!

All and all not a bad chapter, some more redeeming qualities for our gully dwarf friends, and two very sensual makeout scenes for our couples, Goldmoon/Riverwind and Caramon/Raistlin. But if I want to award the prize for best couple, it’s going to have to be Caramon/Raistlin. Congratulations gentlemen, you were canon twincest before it even was a thing (that I, naif that I was in 1994, had heard about, anyway).

DOAT Book One, Chapter 3: Knights of Solamnia. The old man’s party.

Okay first off, dear Dragonlance readers, your humble Khaleesi has a retraction. Apparently, I missed a reference to Flint’s beard back in Chapter 1! One of our fearless DragonScouts pointed this out to me this morning. It’s the passage where Tasslehoff leaps out of the trees at Tanis and Flint, making Flint’s beard “quiver with rage.” In my defense, this came after all those loving, lush descriptions of Tanis’s beard that it sort of fell into the mix. Now, I am a modern Khaleesi who has gotten the Dragonlance books on her Kindle, so I did a search for the term “beard.” Here is what I found in the first chapter alone:

  • The first description of Tanis as having tan skin and a brownish-red beard.
  • Flint’s shock at Tanis’s appearance, because he’s wearing elvish bear leather, but also has a beard, which elves can’t grow. (This seems to be limiting for all those poor elvish bears in Krynn! I have sad thoughts of all those elven leather daddies in their harnesses and chaps, unable to grow beards. They would have to be significant otters to the dwarf leather daddies, and knowing what I know of elves, they would not be happy about that.)
  • Another reference to Tanis’s bearded face as he grins at Flint’s confusion.
  • Flint asking Tanis why he grew a beard
  • Tanis referencing that his beard is “a gift from his human father,” which we later learn is because Tanis is the product of human-dude-on-elven-lady rape. Awkward.
  • Flint musing on the fact that although Tanis just told him that the purpose of his beard was to hide his elven heritage in unfriendly lands, Tanis “would not be one to hide from fight behind a bead.” So… Tanis is suicidally stupid as well as bland? Okay.
  • Tanis hiding a smile behind his beard.

And then after ALL THAT we get one reference, ONE, to Flint’s beard as it quivers (erotically?). Clearly, it was just lost in the shuffle of Tanis beard-worship.

Seriously, you would think it was this awesome beard, the way they talk about it.

Seriously, you would think it was this awesome beard, the way they talk about it.

Anyway, this Khaleesi is thankful to her DragonScout for pointing out this oversight! If any of you readers would also like to be DragonScouts, drop me a comment! Who knows, if I get actual followers, I might give out prizes, like Japanese candy. You know you want candy.

We’ll move on to Chapter 3. As you may remember, the group of friends (now consisting of Tanis, Flint, Tasslehoff, Raistlin and Cinnamon Caramon, along with Tika for good measure) have just been rocked by the shocking news that Kitiara has broken her sacred oath and will not be meeting them at the inn. Now, we see Raistlin and Caramon exchanging meaningful glances, due to the fact that Kitiara is their older half-sister. And we get the hint that she might have been something more to Tanis, as we see him blush (HOW DO WE SEE IT UNDER HIS BEARD I REALLY WANT TO KNOW) after Tasslehoff makes a thoughtless comment, as kenders do.

Nobody is quite sure why Kitiara broke the oath, but the speculation is that since she’s a mercenary, she must have made an even sacred-er oath to someone else – nobody is really sure who. Still just by the sound of it, Kitiara sounds pretty fucking badass. I remember her being curly haired and awesome and kind of evil, so I have high hopes for seeing her in future chapters.

Then we are introduced to the next member of the group, Sturm. He is a knight who has apparently climbed the 40 feet up the tree to the bar in FULL FUCKING PLATE ARMOR. For real. Do you even know how heavy that shit is? Unless this is one of those times when armor means you basically wear chain mail undies so your abs can glisten gloriously in the sun. It’s in a ton of video games (mostly on women, but this Khaleesi believes in gender equality), so it must be a thing, right?

Battle ready.

Battle ready.

Also he pauses in the doorway to “smooth his great, thick mustaches,” which I imagine as being something like this:



(I am actually really excited that we have moved into a new realm of facial hair, DragonScouts!)

So people in the bar are giving Sturm the stink-eye, and not just because his chain mail manties lovingly cling to his taut, oiled buttocks. Apparently he is a member of the Knights of Solamnia, a famously corrupt organization, basically the mafia of knighthoods. And that’s not all! He brings into the bar two “barbarians from the plains” which are TOTALLY NOT FIRST NATIONS PEOPLE BECAUSE THIS IS A FANTASY NOVEL NO CULTURAL APPROPRIATION HERE NOPE NOPE NOPE.

Sturm goes to greet his friends and immediately comments on Tanis’s beard.

fucking seriously?

Tanis asks Sturm to tell him about his travels and effort to find his (Sturm’s) father, and then he immediately tunes Sturm out to think about his former sexytimes with Kitiara, because that is just the kind of asshole “friend” Tanis is.

There’s more exposition about the evil hoards looking for the blue crystal staff (wherever THAT crap is), and now it’s Tasslehoff who spaces out and stares at the totally-not-First-Nations “barbarians” (ugh). But he gets a shock when he sees the lady barbarian’s hair, because although “plains barbarians” are “usually dark-haired and dark-skinned” which FUCK THAT SHIT SO HARD…

the help

…THIS particular barbarian has “gold and silver hair.

so this fucking bullshit I guess

so this fucking bullshit I guess

The “barbarians” (ugh) are listening to the old man from the prologue tell stories to a little kid (what is the kid doing in a bar?) about the “ancient gods,” which is pissing off the drunk-ass fundie Theocrat hanging out at the bar. And THEN the old dude invites the plainswoman, whose name is Goldmoon because of course it is, to sing a song. And then we get some more Oh Noetry as Goldmoon sings some exposition about her poor-ass lovahhhhhhhhhhh finding some staff that is totally made of crystal and happens to be blue.



The action turns to the old man, who continues telling his exposition children’s story about the great god Paladine, which we learn is one of the ancient gods that deserted humankind after the Cataclysm. He also hints at dragons, which the little kid has barely heard about. The fundie Theocrat gets super pissed, accuses the old guy of blasphemy, and is basically super drunk all over the place. He tries to take Goldmoon’s staff which does not work very well for him, as he falls headfirst into the bar fireplace.



The old guy encourages Tasslehoff to grab Goldmoon’s staff to knock the Theocrat down and smother the flames… and suddenly the Theocrat is healed!

This if Jesus was a kender.

This if Jesus was a kender.

Buuuut then the staff reveals its true nature as being both blue and crystal – shocker – and the Theocrat in his incredibly ungrateful fashion calls for the arrest of pretty much the whole cast of characters to which we’ve been introduced this far. Tanis tries to protest that the staff isn’t his, but the rest of the bar decides that it’s arrestin’ time. The old man, in turn, seems suspiciously happy about this sudden turn of events, lending credence to my theory that he is kind of a douche.

So all the friends decide to escape through the bar’s kitchen, although Tanis has to convince Sturm that he has to run in order to protect the lady, because otherwise he’d stand his ground. Because wimminz (even with magic crystal staves) be weak, am I right?

basic bitches

The escape route is apparently a single rope, 40 feet off the ground IN CASE YOU NEEDED A REMINDER.

Everyone manages to skillfully climb down the rope except Raistlin who floats down…

like a boss

Tika tells them to go to her house, and Tasslehoff knows the way which… lil dawg, how? You’ve been away for 5 years bro. Even so, he leads everyone to Tika’s house, where Tanis asks Goldmoon to heal his ropeburned hands (and seriously, you are the only one who got rope burn, grosss). The chapter ends with a revelation that this is TRUE HEALING.

So despite the hideous oh noetry, this was actually a pretty nice chapter what with all the action and drunk ass fundies. If fundies aren’t drunk, they tend to be with rentboys anyway, so true to life!

Mustache count: two, because one guy has two mustaches. That’s right, isn’t it?