DOAT Book II, Chapter 13: Questions. No Answers. Fizban’s Hat.

Welcome back Dragonscouts to another exquisite chapter of Dragonlance in which we ask questions and receive no answers. Who wants to take bets on whether we’re going to figure out who this alleged traitor is in this chapter, eh?

We join our brave companions as both Gilthanas and Eben meet up with the group. Eben has a suspiciously plausible story as to where he’s just disappeared to. Tika seems to believe Eben’s story, especially after he starts kissing on her hand. This makes Caramon ragey, but for some reason, he doesn’t attack, which strikes me as extremely out of character.

Gilthanas, when asked where he’s been, responds with “YOU’RE NOT MY DAD.”

dont tell me

Also, he points out, Raistlin was super tired when we left… SUSPICIOUSLY tired. Actually, he went missing at the same time as Gilthanas and Eben did… so perhaps it is HE who is the traitor!

Faced with this accusation, Raistlin responds with “YOU’RE NOT MY DAD.” Caramon leads his brother back to bed.

thorandloki

you guys are not even trying.

Ugh. So now we have THREE potential traitors, each of them with their supporters, and Tanis is feeling VERY put upon. He realizes that this whole thing might be a trap, using the excuse of a revolt to kill all the slaves AND our noble heroes, thus snuffing out the threat of Goldmoon for good. He considers abandoning it, but then decides not to because… it would be too disappointing to the slaves. Cool, Tanis. Now just go to sleep without doing anything and that’ll… yeah… great plan my dude.

Tanis is not the only one who abandons any attempt at a plan to get some sleep. Tasslehoff wakes up in the morning, having slept through the night instead of cunningly waiting for Pyros to fall asleep so that he can rescue Sestun. Fortunately for him, the dragon likes a good lie-in, and is still asleep when he wakes up.

Tas and Fizban embark upon a HILARIOUS series of fuck-ups in an attempt to rescue poor innocent Sestun. They’ve just floated Sestun up to where they’re hiding when Lord Verminaard comes into the dragon’s lair. The dragon and the highlord start discussing their villainous plans when they see Fizban’s hat come floating down to the floor.

reaction-cersei-1

Meanwhile, Tanis wakes up and decides to go through with the plan, even though it means both certain death for all of them, and playing right into the traitor’s plan. Tanis is hinging his hopes upon there not actually being a traitor, which we, the audience, know is completely untrue. Oh the dramatic irony!

Tanis has a dramatic farewell with Laurana, who is still determined to prove that she isn’t useless. She reminds him, correctly, that even if her combat training was “ceremonial” it was still goddamn combat training, which makes her marginally more useful than Tika (poor Tika).

The plan is in motion! Everyone is disguised as women (except for their facial hair for some reason), and goes to wake the children and lead them outside. But, unexpectedly, there’s a guard at the door where there never was one before! (This place seems pretty shoddily guarded tbh.) The guards say that they’ve been ordered to search the women before they can go into the children’s room and are really freaking creepy about it. But one of them makes the mistake of calling Sturm ugly and Sturm, realizing the destructive nature of the patriarchy and the male gaze, begins the attack.

fuck the patriarchy

Our heroes make short work of those sexist draconians (ugh) and run into the children’s room where they’re soon to encounter a motherfucking dragon.

Back to Tasslehoff and Fizban, who have just gotten caught trying to rescue Sestun from Lord Verminaard and Pyros’s clutches. Pyros in particular is concerned, because he now knows that they caught him talking about the mysterious green gemstone man, a secret for which he’s willing to kill. OH NO!

Fortunately for them both, Fizban turns out to be good for something. He grabs Setsun, casts a darkness spell, and tells Tasslehoff to run. He’s even able to protect them from the dragon’s firey breath! Astonishing! Could it be that The Old Man is Not What He Seems?

The three make their way back to the mechanism room, while Pyros starts breaking through the goddamn wall. The only way down is by crawling down the mechanism’s chain, so that’s just what Fizban, Tasslehoff and Sestun start to do. Unfortunately for them, the dragon bursts through and attacks. Finding that his breath can’t touch the three due to Fizban’s spell, Pyros does the next best thing and attacks the chain instead, melting the links and causing them to fall to their certain doom.

womp womp

WOMP WOMP

However, unbeknownst to Pyros, he’s just set a giant cogwheel in the mechanical room a-turning, to what purpose… we’ll have to find out in a later chapter!

Welp that certainly…barely advanced the story. But good news Dragonscouts – there’s only two more chapters and an epilogue to go, meaning we are almost done with Dragons of Autumn Twilight!

Asshole count: whoever knows who this goddamn traitor is but isn’t telling me.

 

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DOAT Book II, Chapter 4: Rescued! Fizban’s magic.

Greetings dragonscouts! When last we met our noble band, they were being toted along in a bunch of fucking cages about to be sold to the slave mines, and had picked up a wizard who appears to be exhibiting symptoms of dementia. This is something the book expects us to find amusing.

hokay.

hokay.

Our chapter opens with everyone’s favorite sociopath, Tasslehoff, being VERY PUT OUT by the fact that he has been locked up. This is because kenders (being sociopaths) apparently don’t take well to being imprisoned due to their freewheeling natures. Tasslehoff, as is to be expected, takes this out on his fellow prisoners until even Goldmoon just about slaps him, and Tanis sends him to the back of the cart to think about what he’s done.

Spoiler alert: Tasslehoff does not think about what he has done, but instead turns his attention to the gully dwarf servant of the head hobgoblin. Our heroic gully dwarf now even gets a name – Sestun – and a back story! Apparently he hails from Pax Tharkas, which as you may recall from past chapters, is under the control of Lord Verminaard, and the destination of the slave caravan.

At this point I would have expected Tasslehoff to start torturing poor Sestun, but apparently Setsun’s treatment at the hands of the hobgoblins and draconians (ugh) is so terrible, that even our racist heroes start to feel sorry for him, and chat with him. Unfortunately he is not able to give them much information about the state of Pax Tharkas, as he is unable to relay information in a coherent way. Or count.

of fucking course

of fucking course

Meanwhile, Caramon and Sturm are debating the best means of fighting dragons. This is apparently a difficult task, due to the fact that the only known fighter of dragons was the warrior Huma, subject of the Oh Noetry at the beginning of the book, and hero of the Knights of Solemnia. Apparently only the Knights take Huma seriously, so accurate reports of Huma are in short supply. However, Caramon does remember one thing about him: he forged the mighty Dragonlance!

mind blown

THEY SAID THE TITLE OF THE BOOKS YOU GUYS THEY SAID IT

Anyway Fizban pipes up to say that Huma and the Dragonlance are both real, which surprises our noble heroes. However, when Fizban is asked to describe the thing, he can only remember that it was some kind of a lance that was good for fighting dragons.

Shade

Something about Fizban has gotten Raistlin rankled, though he’s not saying what it is. This drives Tasslehoff into more infuriating levels of boredom, so he sets about telling Sestun fabulous kender stories. Ahhh, there’s that torture I was expecting.

Anyway, while he’s storifying, Tasslehoff notices that Gilthanas, Tanis’s elf bro, is not asleep like the rest of his pals. Then Tas starts hearing a lot of strange bird calls. Fizban wakes to mutter that the elves are here, just in time for the ELF ATTAAAAACK

elf attack

pictured.

Elf arrows appear out of nowhere, just killing the fuck out of draconians (ugh) and hobgoblins! Unfortunately there aren’t enough elves to attack the caravan directly, so it’s time for our brave heroes to make their escape! This is made easier by the hobgoblins helpfully running away, but what to do with all those draconians (ugh)? Sestun, with the typical heroism and bravery shown by gully dwarves Krynn-wide, tries to break the lock, but is axe is old and busted. All seems lost for our mighty companions, as the draconians (ugh) clearly intend to butcher them in their cage rather than allow them to be rescued by the elves. Just then, Fizban decides it’s time for some poppin’ hot magic.

poppin hot magic

Proving that this is indeed a dungeons and dragons campaign, Fizban casts fireball inside the cage, setting the entire thing on fire. Fortunately for them all, the fire also superheated the cage lock, which allows Sestun, HERO OF THE HOUR, to break the thing and set our heroes free!

so rugged. so powerful.

so rugged. so powerful.

They set off to grab their stuff from the supply wagon, all except for Gilthanas who goes all “I’M NOT YOUR BRAH, BRAH” to Tanis before noping right on out of there. Tanis and the rest of our heroes have no choice but to follow suit, while Caramon and Sturm defend them against a group of even bigger, badder draconians (ugh) which, like, expel poisonous gas once they’ve been stabbed.

Just then Gilthanas, apparently having changed his mind about being Tanis’s brah, comes to their rescue with a bunch of elf warriors, and they all escape into the woods.

The elves waste zero time telling the human refugees that were rescued from the caravan that they’re not welcome to stay in the woods. I mean, decent that they offer food and supplies, but it comes with a swift “don’t let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya.” Goldmoon calls this out – rightly, I think, these people are pretty terrified – but Porthios, leader of the elves, stands firm, and the humans leave. When Goldmoon tries to argue about this, Porthios slams the human race in general for causing the long-ago Cataclysm and driving the gods out of Krynn.

notallhumans

As for our heroes, well, since Porthios, Gilthanas and Tanis are brahs, the elves agree to take the group to Qualinost – although it’s not so much an invitation as a command. Looks like our heroes are prisoners again.

The chapter ends here, and it was pretty satisfying, I have to say. Nothing like a good old fashioned prison break followed by some good old fashioned elf racism to fuel the fantasy-trope fire. And hey, hear that Mr. Frodo? We’re going to see the elves! Pretty cool. Until next time, dragonscouts!