DOAT Book II, Chapter 14: Matafleur. The magic sword. White feathers.


Only like a chapter and a half or so until we reach the end of Dragons of Autumn Twilight. Will our brave heroes survive their suicidally idiotic plan to free the slaves down the mine? Will Tasslehoff and Fizban ever become less annoying? Will we ever discover the identity of the mysterious traitor that they’ve teased for like ten entire chapters? Let’s find out!

Our chapter begins with our heroes entering the dragon’s lair to save the children, only to find a mysterious absence of children and a fuckton of dragon.



Only here’s the thing, this dragon is old and she’s a girl, so no need to worry your pretty heads about her.



Her name is Matafleur, but goes by Flamestrike to mere mortals (if dragons are immortal, how is this dragon decrepit? Like what good is immortality if you just fall apart and rot year by year until there’s just like string and tendons holding you together? Guys?).

Anyway, this dragon’s super into taking care of the children, so like, a babysitter dragon I guess. The children are I guess in the room beyond the dragon, so the group starts walking past her without her giving it a second thought. Until, that is, Tanis’s sword starts to buzz like a hive of bees or some shit.

hes got bees

Raistlin jumps in and reveals that the sword is magic and anti-dragon somehow, which I mean is the worst thing you can do for someone as self-important as Tanis, giving him a magic dragon-slaying sword. Anyway, the dragon is not fooled, she realizes that these folk CAN’T be women because women can’t have swords!

ohhh no

fuckin sexist dragons

Anyway, the sword distracts the dragon enough that the rest of the group is able to run in and grab the children anyway. The plan goes well until the children see Tanis threatening their dragon with a sword and decide to revolt.

baby fight club

i guess.

Anyway, this plot contrivance goes nowhere, since Goldmoon is able to calm the children down and get them to run outside to their mothers. Let me guess, this is because she’s a woman? :))))) and naturally able to talk to children? :))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Anyway, this causes the dragon to I guess have a psychotic break and revert back to the past when her actual children, like dragon type children, were killed. This puts Tanis in an incredibly dangerous situation, so of course Sturm steps up ready to fight. But then Raistlin’s all like “STAND BACK FAM I GOT THIS” so Sturm runs and I guess now it’s Tanis and potential traitor 1/3 against a fucking dragon.

Everything looks dire for a good two seconds until Raistlin just blinds the dragon and they run out while she’s confused and trying not to set fire to the children. So much for an epic dragon battle. Anyway, Tanis and Raistlin reach the rest of the escapees when fucking Pyros just bursts out of the castle.

Annnnnd we cut to Tasslehoff and Fizban, who are still falling along with the chain in the machine room. Fizban tries to cast a “pheatherfall” spell, but only gets the “pheather” part out before he’s crunched to the ground. Tasslehoff, meanwhile, falls into a pile of feathers.

womp womp


Meanwhile, Tanis tries to herd the women and children into the mines, despite knowing that his plan has finally been foiled by Verminaard and Pyros. The men of the mines, meanwhile, start running into the courtyard to find their wives and children, meaning that they’re fleeing safety and shelter. It’s all turning into a clusterfuck, and honestly, Tanis only has his poor-ass planning to blame. Suddenly he and Sturm realize that Eben has just run into the mountains and OH NO WE DIDN’T SEE THIS SHIT COMING FROM TEN CHAPTERS AWAY.

Eben, potential traitor 2/3 and ACTUAL FUCKING TRAITOR is running off to find the green gemstone man because, lest we forget, he is important for some reason. We get some deeply unimportant backstory about him, then cut to him encouraging the men to run out into the courtyard. And then the gully dwarves join them because they’re too stupid to understand what an escape plan is.

cher yuk

Anyway, Eben finds the gemstone man, but has a dilemma. He can’t keep him in the mines, because everyone will find them when the dragon strikes and they run for shelter, but he also can’t take him in to Pax Tharkas, because then Verminaard will find them and Pyros doesn’t want that shit. So he decides to take the dude into the woods and lay low until the massacre is over.

Meanwhile, Verminaard is feeling pissy. After some useless back and forth with an inferior, he jumps onto Pyros’s back and they decide it’s time to get slaughterin’.

We cut back to Tanis and Sturm, the latter of whom seems pretty ready to get murdered for someone who’s characterized as a swordsman who never gives up. But then, like, for some reason Eben and the green gem guy run past because Eben didn’t bother to find an alternate route? So now that there’s an enemy weaker than himself to pick on, Sturm whips back into action. But the green gem guy stops his blade arm, and everyone gasps in astonishment to see that… the guy has a green gem embedded in his chest.


Everyone’s so shocked that they let the green gem guy and Eben run to the gates, where the two are promptly crushed by the falling boulders released by the mechanism that Tasslehoff activated.


Verminaard and Pyros decide that this is the perfect time to attack the horde of helpless slaves, when suddenly, IT’S ANOTHER FUCKING DRAGON!



Oh, wait, right, it’s that old-ass dragon we met earlier. She’s apparently succumbed to her dementia to the point where she’s decided it’s clobberin’ time. Pyros, trying to defend himself from his attack, forgets that Verminaard is riding him and lets him fall to the ground. The battle devolves into chaos, during which time Laurana decides to STEP THE FUCK UP, kill herself some draconians (ugh) and become the warrior princess she was always meant to be.



And here the chapter ends. A good ending at least! Next time, our final chapter and the epilogue and WE ARE DONE with Dragons of Autumn Twilight!


DOAT Book II, Chapter 12: The parable of the gem. Traitor revealed. Tas’s dilemma.

Greetings Dragonscouts! When last we met, our bold heroes were about to be betrayed by a traitorous traitor, Tasslehoff and Fizban were off being useless, and we found out that dragons can transform into humans for some reason. If the title chapters are as spoilery as ever (and I’m sure they are), we’re gonna find out who that traitor is, at least! Let’s dive in.

We start out with Caramon, in drag, getting sexually harassed by Eben.

brule shock

Apparently they are “doing comedy” for the woman captives down the mine. The women, held apart from the society of their children for so long, are so deprived of amusement that they find this hilarious for some reason. Tanis, in another rare moment of good judgment, has located the natural leader of the women, Maritta. In a move of astonishing stupidity on Maritta’s part, she has agreed to Tanis’s plan to potentially endanger their children who, lest we have forgotten the last chapter are: 1) being held in an undisclosed location; and 2) being guarded by a fucking dragon. So maybe Tanis was being an idiot all along!

makes sense

Maritta tells Tanis that the Highseekers are also being held prisoner, but are being treated better than the rest (aka, they are not being forced into slave labor), and thus will cause some problems during the planned revolt.

Maritta also reveals that she is not an idiot by telling Tanis that his plan is contingent on their children coming to no harm during the process. Tanis reminds here that there is a fucking dragon guarding them, and Maritta laughs.

brule shock

Apparently the dragon is old and feeble, and the children love her. Not only this, but the dragon thinks the children are her children. And anyway, she sleeps late, so they can just sneak the kids past her before breakfast. THAT WAS LUCK, TANIS. THAT WAS LUCK. DON’T YOU DARE THINK THIS WAS AT ALL DUE TO YOUR DUBIOUS INTELLECT.

Anyway, the women set to work on the plan by sewing some clothes to disguise the men as women. However, Sturm starts to make trouble when they insist that he shave off his mustaches in order to pass. Which, Jesus Christ Sturm, we’re talking about rescuing literally hundreds of people, including children, from a life of slave labor. You could  maybe sacrifice a few hair follicles, which may I remind you, FUCKING GROW BACK for such a worthy cause, right?

…no. Tanis just has him cover his face with a scarf.

cher yuk

Then Riverwind starts to make a fuss, saying that his tribe punishes cowardly warriors by making them dress up as women, so he won’t do it.

ron swanson 2

The solution to this is wrap him in a cloak and have him lean on a stick like an old woman which… how is this any different than having him dress up as a woman? IDK at least he buys it which is good enough for now.

Meanwhile, Tanis is preparing his genius disguise by wrapping his face in a scarf instead of shaving

malcolm transpo

and Laurana calls him out on it, proving once again that she is better for this group than Tanis. Further, when Tanis tries to apologize for snapping at her, she insists that he was right, but that she’s going to prove her worth somehow. This apparently makes Tanis’s “soul [stand] breathless,” which I assume means it gives him a half chub.

Finally, when everyone’s about ready to go, Raistlin makes trouble by saying that he’s too tired to go along with him. I have to hope that he said this before making the women go through the trouble of sewing him a costume. They decide to leave him there, which after all, was not too hard.

The draconian (ugh) guards come in, apparently after having enjoyed happy hour, and completely buy that all these dudes with obvious facial hair are, in fact, women. So the idiotic plan is now in motion. Let’s hope nobody fucks up, my dudes!

Meantime, Tasslehoff and Fizban are finding extremely convenient secret doors and trying to make their way around the fort. Fizban engages in some artistic appreciation, and shows Tasslehoff a battle scene in which good gold and silver dragons battle the evil red and black ones. Then Fizban spells Tasselhoff to forget this information, and they go traipsing off to find the dragon’s lair, which seems like an incredibly terrible plan.


Our heroes in drag are in shock as their plan begins to go surprisingly well, up to the point where they find the menfolk in the mine. However, the men are skeptical of Goldmoon’s claims that a goddess gave her some metal discs so they should risk their lives for reasons. The Highseeker, as predicted, starts the trouble, and it seems like the men are going to start a days-long argument. And even worse, they hurt Goldmoon’s feelings!


this is my new favorite gif btw

They come across a super old and dying dude, one of the Highseekers who actually spoke up against Lord Verminaard and his minions. He apparently has whatever the fantasy equivalent of cancer is, which makes him saintly and philosophical, as cancer tends to do. He asks Goldmoon that if she’s really the emissary of the old gods, why the hell did they wait so long to come back to Krynn?

Goldmoon thinks about this, then says that it’s basically like if you drop a jewel in the forest and are afraid to go back to get it, she guesses. This apparently makes complete sense to the man and he is INSTANTLY CONVERTED from his previously strongly held beliefs. Good job, Goldmoon!

But then, Tanis gives the group some disturbing news – BOTH Eben and Gilthanas are nowhere to be found. Womp womp! Guess we’ll have to wait for the traitor to be revealed for at least a couple more pages.

We’re taken back to dragon Pyros’s POV, in a tiny (for a dragon) chamber, where bad boss Sestun is being offered as the dragon’s dinner. Pyros is so gully dwarf racist that he won’t even eat Sestun, which I would be mad at if it didn’t mean that Sestun would live to see another day. Hooray for Sestun!

whoo whoo

The traitor then enters the room to rat on our bold companions. When the individual throws back their hood to reveal their face, there’s a barely audible gasp as Tasslehoff, hiding somewhere near the ceiling, recognizes who they are. The audience, on the other hand, is left in the dark, in a gambit that is getting increasingly irritating.

Pyros is as unimpressed by the plan to free the saves as I am, and moves to more important things, namely that the unnamed prisoner brought to Lord Verminaard during the last chapter is HIM whom they’ve been searching for all this time. Given that there has been literally no foreshadowing about this apparently insanely important individual, the import of this statement is kind of lost on me. Anyway, Pyros thinks that the guy is fine where he is for now, considering the coming attack on Qualenesti. Once that’s over with, Pyros will take the man to the Dark Queen. Great plan, Pyros! What could possibly go wrong?

Anyway, Pyros tells the traitor that he has to keep this dude safe until he can get back from deep fat frying the elves. The traitor agrees, and fucks right out.

Tasslehoff starts crying with the realization of who has betrayed them, but still won’t say who it was, which is getting REALLY ANNOYING. But then he says that even though they can’t warn Tanis, given that they have no idea where he is, they’re going to do the next best thing and rescue Seston.

My god, this is enough to get me to start liking Tasslehoff again.

And here ends the chapter, and I’m sorry to say that our chapter titles are goddamn liars.

Asshole count: If not the chapter titles, then for sure any dude whose masculinity is so fragile that he can’t shave his facial hair or dress in drag in order to rescue hundreds of people, including children, from a lifetime of slave labor.

DOAT Book One, Chapter 15: Escape. The well. Death on black wings.

When we’d last left our heroic band, they’d just escaped the draconian (ugh) camp via dragon cosplay and homoeroticism. Hoo…ray? Welp, if the chapter titles are any indication, they’re not in for any kind of easy route to Zach Braff, so let’s dive in.

They start out with Riverwind leading the group through the swamp, and Tanis feeling completely incompetent. I mean… what else is new there, Tanis? But he doesn’t have to feel jealous of Riverwind’s immense swamp navigation skills for long, because Riverwind soon gets stuck knee-deep in the mire. Womp womp!

you tried

The entire group realizes that they’re going to have to wade through the murk to go any further, so they do, hiking up the skirts of their wizardly robes, and hefting the shorties over their shoulders so they don’t, yknow, drown.

Get it together, dwarves.

Get it together, dwarves.

Even Sturm gets in on the action, carrying Raistlin through the swamp, which… idk Sturm, weren’t you just wishing that Raistlin had been poisoned? Why don’t you just leave him to drown in the swamp? Not only are you saving the guy you hate, but you’re also possibly going to make Caramon jealous, and that’s more than your mustaches are worth.

Anyway, after that completely pointless slog through the swamp, our band of heroes collapses on the further bank… only to have Raistlin warn them that a storm is on the way, and they have to reach Zach Braff Xak Tsaroth before the moon sets. These two pieces of knowledge don’t seem all that connected to one another, but Raist’s been proven right about pretty much every dire prophecy he’s spouted so far, so it’s high time everyone actually listened to him for once. This they do, and continue on their journey.

Fortunately, they don’t go more than a few steps before they find a whole bunch of stone ruins which, it turns out, are the ruins of Xak Tsaroth!



But they’re not the first ones to make it to is great floral printed city – they notice the claw tracks of a whole mess of draconians (ugh) leading into the ruins.

Riverwind and Tanis are keenly aware of the danger ahead, so they take this moment to declare their manly love for each other and clutch at each other’s hands.



The group steps into the ruin, and finds first a well, then a temple which somehow escaped the giant fucking earthquake that had once laid waste to the city. Before they can explore the temple, a wild draconian (ugh) appears! But before our heroes can give chase, the draconian (ugh) escapes by flying down the well.

Everyone realizes that OH SHIT that thing’s gonna warn everyone, so Raist steps right on up to cast a spell LIKE A B- oh wait, he’s so weak he can’t cast anything. Way to crap out on us, Raist, I thought you were the one who was supposed to be self righteously correct all the time and save everyone’s asses even though they’re completely ungrateful.

It's my lunch hour.

It’s my lunch hour.

Tanis’s response to this obvious and imminent danger is to propose that they all take a break. Jesus Christ, Tanis, I don’t know what you’re doing anymore.

This terrible idea is interrupted, however, by an earthquake that crumbles the well, nearly taking Tas with it.stop_dont_come_back_willy_wonka

Goldmoon is lost in the fray, and Riverwind starts searching for her, despite the fact that something utterly cray is about to erupt from the ground. The able bodied half of the group drags the other half away as they see the ancient terror bursting from the – HOLY SHIT IT’S A DRAGON



Not only is it a dragon, but it is a motherfucking talking dragon who can do motherfucking magic. And that’s exactly what she does, blinding the group so she can attack unimpeded.

Now suddenly the narrative switches to the dragon’s POV which is… unexpected to say the least. We haven’t had a POV outside of our core group of heroes so the fact that we’re now thrust into the mindset of a freaking dragon is just a little bit jarring.

Anyway, we find out that the dragon’s working under the behest of Lord Verminaard (OH CHRIST), and she’s lost the blue crystal staff that this lord so desperately wants. To which I say, GIRL, YOU’RE A MOTHERFUCKING DRAGON WHY ARE YOU TAKING ORDERS?

dont tell me

Anyway, we get back to Tanis’s POV riiiilll quick. He cowers in terror as the dragon readies its attack, cringes in sudden pain and then.. the dragon flies back into the well.

Well that was sure anticlimactic! Thank goodness everyone’s all righ- ohhhh actually Riverwind is burned so badly his skin has fucking melted from his bones. Bummer. Tanis springs into action by helpfully vomiting. Thanks, Tanis!

Alas, it seems that there is nothing anyone can do for poor Riverwind. Tanis urges Sturm to put an end to Riverwind’s suffering, so Sturm immediately… begins to recite some oh noetry instead of euthanizing Riverwind with his sword. Again, super helpful.

I mean, it’s not as though the group has a motherfucking healing staff or anything right? Fortunately even though Tanis and Sturm have forgotten this convenient fact, Goldmoon has not. She appears, demanding that they take Riverwind over to her… and the chapter ends.

Well I’m really happy to have finally seen a dragon in Dragonlance, though it was pretty weird to be thrust into her POV without any warning. The well logistics are a little odd too, but ehhh anything goes in Xak Tsaroth, I guess.

Asshole count: Tanis and Sturm for sure. When someone’s dying in intense pain and beyond all hope of recovery, the proper response is NOT 1) vomiting; or 2) rhyming badly. Jeez.

Homoeroticism count: Tanis and Riverwind for sure! Too bad their love has come to a tragic and burninated end.

or has it???

DOAT Book One, Chapter 9: Flight! The white stag.

Ooh, Dragonscouts, an actual exclamation point in our title! How exciting. When we last left our intrepid heroes, they were fleeing a hoard of lizard men into the forest, Flint leading the way in a classic Dwarven sprint.

gimli running

Tanis decides, with no evidence other than his… elven perception, I guess… that the lizard men must have blocked all the exits from he forest except the one leading to the Darken Wood. He proposes heading to Prayer’s Eye Peak to get a good look around, but after Raistlin collapses, decides they should rest first. Sturm is looking pretty beat down too, but is talking all this with suicidal amounts of stoicism.

Just a lil mustache grooming and I'll be fine.

Just a lil mustache grooming and I’ll be fine.

Tanis and Riverwind have a quiet chat, in which Riverwind reveals that the lizard men were participants in his Lovecraftian fever dream. Both he and Goldmoon are worried that the lizard men have attacked their village, but assure themselves that the warriors of their tribe will make short work of them. Riverwind’s nastiness finally cracks, too, as he thanks Tanis and the rest of the group for all of their help. So touching you guys! Friendship is magic.

The group grows nearer to Prayer’s Eye Peak, so named because it looks like praying hands. So wouldn’t it be Prayer’s Hand Peak? Fantasy world, you make no sense.

The group continues toward the mountain. Sturm insists on taking the rear guard even though he feels like he’s going to pass out, which now starts going beyond suicidal stoicism to homicidal stoicism. Seriously Sturm, what do you think is going to happen if those lizard men start sneaking up on everyone, and you can’t even see as far as putting one foot in front of the other?

It's this. This is what will happen.

It’s this. This is what will happen.

Sturm starts remembering back to when he was a child, hearing stories of the knight Huma. Evidently when Sturm was a child, his father and mother were basically Knights of Solemnia lifers, and I guess spoke of nothing else, ever. No wonder Sturm’s personality is basically “mustache.” Dad packed his wife and kid off in order to save lil Sturm from discrimination, as the Knights were pretty much universally loathed for a reason I’m still not quite clear on. They wound up in Solace where Sturm became besties with Caramon, but Sturm’s mom was too good to make friends and died alone.

The fate of haughty bitches and Oedipal sons everywhere.

The fate of haughty bitches and Oedipal sons everywhere.

So Sturm became part of a quasi-family consisting of Tanis and Flint (the mom and dad of the fam, I’m assuming), Caramon, Raistlin, Kitiara and Tasslehoff, going around and having adventures, as one does. But with growing tales of evil in the land, the group had split five years ago and gone their separate ways. Sturm went north to seek news of his long lost dad.

Here the book gets SUPER SLUDGY with oldschool style exposition about the Knights of Solemnia. Seriously, it is SO BORING with tons of Capital Letter Words of Great Import which I have No Patience With, so I will sum up in a bullet list, yeah?

  • Huma was a Knight of Solemnia and Big Damn Hero who drove out the darkness and evil and whatever a long-ass time ago.
  • The earth went BOOM and there were no more gods, boo.
  • Knights, as it turns out, can’t battle fucking earthquakes and volcanoes. So everyone hates them.

makes sense

So Sturm stumbles forward, remembering his vow to restore the knight’s honor, and feeling dissatisfied that all he has to fight are lizard men instead of dragons. Sturm. Dude. The lizard men almost killed you. How the hell are you going to be standing up against a dragon? So we’ll add “suicidal stupidity” along with “homicidal stoicism” and “mustache” into your list of personality traits.

Sturm suddenly sees a huge and very magnificent white stag that no one else can see, but this has something to do with Huma, so he insists that everyone follow it. They decide he must have a head wound, which just enrages Sturm. He starts screaming at Caramon about what an idiot he is, which really doesn’t sound very fair.

Tanis decides that Sturm is making sense, as he has been with someone who had seen the stag and followed it. He starts twisting his ring around his finger and thinking of some crying elfmaiden WHO I AM SURE WILL HAVE NO BEARING ON THIS STORY IN ANY FUTURE TIME.

Anyway, Tanis is in favor of following the stag up the western side of the mountain. Caramon insists that there aren’t any trails on that side, because no one ever goes there. But if no one ever goes there how would you know?? I am beginning to think Caramon deserves the abuse he’s been getting from Raistlin and Sturm so far.

Goldmoon throws her vote in with Tanis, and the group follows the stag to the south, where they find… a trail!


Not only is there a trial, but it’s a trail that’s ridic old, and with no tracks on it to indicate that any humans have been on it like… ever.

The group races up the path until mid-day when they decide to stop for a break. Sturm engages in some strategic mustache grooming while Tanis and Riverwind go scouting ahead. Tanis muses on how he is beginning to feel comfortable with Riverwind because unlike his friends, who are concerned about Kitiara’s apparently ditching Tanis and Tanis obviously being upset about it, Riverwind doesn’t talk, and doesn’t know anything about Tanis’s romantic history. So Tanis, your dream bromance is someone who… doesn’t know you, won’t talk to you, and doesn’t care if you’re upset? Hooookay then.

Well, one of Tanis’s thoughts turns out to be right. When he and Riverwind look down from the heights, they see that the forest is crawling with lizard men. Fortunately however, the trail on which they’ve just passed has disappeared, leaving no trace. Spooooky!

Even spookier, Tanis and Riverwind see campfires on the horizon, portending a coming war. When they go back to tell the rest of the group, their friends are incredulous that a war would be starting just for some staff. When Raistlin tries to remind everyone about the missing stars in the sky, they just scoff all the more. Well we all know what happens when someone’s stories are scoffed at in the beginning of the story, right Raist?

Ohhhh yes. Yes I do

Ohhhh yes. Yes I do.

Before everyone can start fighting, the stag reappears and Sturm goes crashing after it. The path leads into the gap between the two praying hands that make up the mountain. By the time they get there, the group is starting to get a little testy. But when Flint makes a crack about wishing the stag were real so that they could eat it, Sturm LOSES HIS SHIT in the worst way. Fortunately Tanis is there to stop him before he takes a swing at poor flint. Jesus Sturm, calm your tits.

The group makes their way through the gap in Prayer’s Eye Peak. Everyone marvels at how nice and warm and beautiful the view is, until Raistlin points out that this is the way to Darken Wood. Sturm scoffs at this, and then decides that he don’t even care, misogyny zombies though there may be.



Still, after Tanis announces that he’ll follow Sturm but won’t take responsibility for anyone else’s life, the group elects to go forward – even Raistlin, despite portending certain doom in the forest. As he points out to Tanis, where the fuck else is anyone going to go? This pisses Tanis off, mostly because Raistlin is obviously correct.

The group reaches the edge of the forest and everyone is surprised by how not-scary it is, for a place apparently packed to the brim with zombies. Raistlin rains on everyone’s parade by warming them not to eat or drink anything in the forest, despite the fact that their supplies are running out. Good luck convincing anyone of that, Raist. In an effort to make an impression, he starts being super dramatic all over the place, predicting that the forest brings great evil to those who bring evil into it. Sturm cracks that Raistlin is the only one who needs to be worried then, and that makes Caramon go all glove-slappy. Unfortunately homoerotic wrestling is once again stymied by Tanis and Raistlin.

Tanis and Flint, at the back of the group, have a brief conversation in which they manage to pack as much soppiness as possible. Still, Tanis is worried because his dwarf pal is getting old, and isn’t quite so spry as he once was. Which, you know, is not ideal when you’re about to find a bunch of zombies.

Annnd so ends this chapter. It was SO LONG YOU GUYS. I am really hoping for some zombie action to break up the tedium here.

Asshole count: Everyone. Everyone who opens their mouth in this chapter is a complete asshole to everyone else around them. I think Sturm wins the prize for this one, but only barely.